For new material, please visit my LiveJournal .
************************************************************************
Date: Mon, 27 Sep 1999 15:39:47 -0700
************************************************************************
C.,
Here's that transgender link I mentioned:
http://www.annelawrence.com/
Here are some pictures of the results of surgery:
http://www.annelawrence.com/vaginoplasties.html
J.
************************************************************************
Date: Sat, 04 Oct 1999 17:13:22 -0800
************************************************************************
K.,
By the way, I've been meaning to clarify what I was saying lastnight,
regarding the "woman in me". Here's what I know:
- I sometimes have vivid dreams as a woman. She's the "woman inme".
She's helped me explore my sexuality and gender identity. Maybe Iwasa
woman in a past life.
- I sometimes fantasize about being a woman. I do it while playing,
alone or with others. I've considered taking hormones, to further
explore my gender identity.
- I enjoy genderbending because it allows me to explore my owngender
identity and to provoke others into thinking about their ownsexuality
and gender identity.
- I've developped an online identity based on the "woman in me".She's
Myriam, the woman I described to you last night. I'm quite awarethat
she's not real <grin>
I hope you don't find all of this too strange :) It's importanttome,
so I want to make sure you know what's going on in my head.
J.
************************************************************************
Date: Mon, 08 Nov 1999 23:49:11 -0800
************************************************************************
Hey beautiful people :)
I just tried this interesting gender test:
http://transsexual.org/Ttestpages1.html
The result below: I'm a freak - LOL! Enjoy...
J.
************************************************************************
Your COGIATI result value is: 75 Which means that you fall withinthe
following category: COGIATI classification THREE, ANDROGYNE
What this means is that the Combined Gender Identity AndTranssexuality
Inventory has classified your internal gender identity to beessentially
androgynous, both male and female at the same time, or possiblyneither.
In some cultures in history, you would be considered to be a thirdsex,
independent of the polarities of masculine or feminine. Your gender
issues are intrinsic to your construction, and you will most likelyfind
your happiness playing with expressing both genders as you feellikeit.
SUGGESTIONS FOR ACTION:
Your situation is a little tricky in our current society, but not
tremendously so, depending on your geographic location.
The suggestions for your circumstance are not overly complicated.
1. If you have any comfortability about your gender expression,some
slight degree of counseling might well prove helpful. The primarygoal
would be to make it possible for you to enjoy your genderexpressions
free from any shame or embarrassment, and to resolve any remaining
questions you might have.
2. As an androgynous being, both genders, and both sexes arenatural to
your expression. Permanent polarization in either direction mightbring
significant unhappiness. It is not recommended that you go through a
complete transsexual transformation. You might find a partial
transformation of value, if you find yourself more attracted overall
to the feminine. You are more likely a transgenderist, than a
transsexual. It is recommended that you recognize that your gender
issues are real, but that extreme action regarding them should beviewed
with great caution.
3. If you have not already, consider joining any of thethousands of
groups devoted to gender play of various varieties. There isliterally a
world of friends to discover who share your interests. There arealso
publications, vacations, and activities that would expand yourgender
play."
************************************************************************
Date: Fri, 12 Nov 1999 01:12:16 -0800
************************************************************************
Hi lovely ones,
In my ongoing gender quest, I recently contacted B.C. Holmes, a
transgendered person from Toronto, who is somewhat known on the
Internet: http://www.interlog.com/~bcholmes/
Anyway, here's the email we exchanged... I'll keep youup-to-date!
J.
************************************************************************
Dear B.C.,
I just finished reading most of the gender pages on your website andI
have some questions, if I may ask! First, I'd like to tell you a bit
about myself.
I'm bisexual and polyamorous and I identify as queer (yummy,labels). I
also identify as a transgendered person but I'mbiologically/genetically
male. I consider my gender to be somewhere in between male andfemale,
(more towards female) and I certainly don't feel that my genderfitsthe
mainstream societal/cultural duality "norm".
I bend the "rules" on a regular basis, by cross dressing inpublic for
queer, goth and fetish events (in an androgynous way) and inprivate.
I'm open about it with my lovers, friends and coworkers. Lately,I've
started to incorporate more aspects of the female gender into my
everyday life, such as wearing bras, removing body hair, etc...
The more time passes, the more I find myself wanting tochallenge the
"norm". I want to bend the "rules" full-time, in my everyday life!
However, I feel uncomfortable with my body not really reflecting my
gender (not female enough, or at least not androgynous enough).
So over the past year and a half, I've been reading about genderonthe
net, talking to my transgendered friends, learning, trying to define
what I need to do next. After a lot of careful research, I've cometo
the conclusion that I'd like to start taking hormones. I'm also
seriously considering to start electrolysis.
While reading about gender, I've come across a lot of interesting
information, including the medical definitions of gender dysphoriaand
the standards of care, etc... The problem is that I don't seem toneatly
fit into any of the categories!
I'm not mentally ill! I think about all of this a lot, but it'snot
preventing me from functioning in everyday life (yet, except it's4:30
AM as I'm writing this). I don't remember wanting to be girl as achild,
yet I have dreams about a body that suits my gender identity.Sometimes
I even fantasize about this body. I'm not certain I want surgery.
It appears that my "gender euphoria" (to borrow your phrase)conflicts
with the official designations. So how do I deal with the medical
profession? Do I tell the truth or do I lie? What do I have to saytobe
allowed to take hormones?
I ask you this because you (like me) seem to be much more openabout
gender than the medical profession is. I also understand that youhave
transitioned and are taking hormones. What was your experience withthe
medical profession? Are you planning to have surgery (or have you),ifI
may ask?
Most of my transgendered friends are taking hormones but seem tofit
neatly into the categories used in the medical definitions of gender
dysphoria, so I'm curious about other people's experiences. Thankyouin
advance for your answers.
Sincerely, J.
************************************************************************
BC wrote:
> I bend the "rules" on a regular basis, by cross dressing inpublic for
> queer, goth and fetish events (in an androgynous way) and inprivate.
Kewl. I notice that you've got apictureon your site where
you're dressed for Sanctuary. Was that Sanctuary in Toronto,byany
chance? (I think you say that it was taken last summer --whichmight
have coincided with Convergence...)
Or I could be babbling incoherently,here.
> It appears that my "gender euphoria" (to borrow yourphrase)conflicts
> with the official designations. So how do I deal with themedical
> profession? Do I tell the truth or do I lie? What do I have tosayto be
> allowed to take hormones?
Well, when I started hormones, Icouldn't say that I was
surgery-bound (and I never used the "woman trapped in a man's body"
metaphor, either). But I found a doctor who could see that mydesire
was real, and not flighty, and he was willing to prescribe them for
me. Some doctors won't do this, but some will.
I think the trick is to be sincereabout it(and, even though
this sounds like a punch line, you might want to rehearse your
sincere-sounding request a few times. You'll be taken moreseriously
if you don't get all tongue-tied).
One other point -- given your history,itdoesn't sound like
you'll have "outness" issues. But if you start changing yourbody,
people might react very differently to that than anything than they
would about something that can be written off as "just" clothes.
> Are you planning to have surgery (or have you), if I mayask?
No offense, but I make a point of nottelling that info to
anyone. I don't like to be categorized by any pre-, post-,
non-operative status I might happen to fall into.
Good luck.
BCing you
************************************************************************
Date: Sat, 27 Nov 1999 13:37:27 -0800
************************************************************************
Hi kids :)
A few days ago, I asked C. at work (in charge of the healthmatters)
to notify the admins and leads about me taking 2 hours a week offfor
medical purposes (electrolysis).
Yesterday I dropped by the office to catch up on my internalmail and
got the message below. It's strange to read this knowing there's somuch
more to it...
I've been peeing a lot more often and driking more liquids sinceI
started taking spironolactone (anti-androgen drug) on Wed., butthat's
to be expected and it appears to be tapering off somewhat.
Otherwise I feel more mellow, and that's a good thing!
J.
> Sent: Wednesday, November 24, 1999 5:33 PM
>
> Just a heads up.
>
> J. will be receiving some medical treatment once per week
> for an undetermined period of time. The treatment will take a
> couple of hours and the schedule of the treatment may
> interfere with regular working hours....ie, his first
> treatment is next Tuesday mid morning. J. plans to make up
> for the lost hours in the evening. I didnt see a problem with
> this. You guys need to be aware of this. J. will keep you
> up-to-date on when these sessions are for future weeks when
> the times of the sessions are known.
>
> Cheers
> C.
************************************************************************
Date: Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:16:05 -0800
************************************************************************
Dear B.,
Just wanted to finish our conversation from Saturday night... Wewere
talking about the possibility of me transitioning someday and thenW.
joined us on the couch so I never got a chance to finish!
Anyway you were saying that K. was surprised about the fact thatI
was considering more than just taking hormones.
K. was quite busy during my vacation so I was unable to keep her
informed of all my thinking in great detail. And I spent a lot oftime
thinking because I was on vacation :)
Anyway, all I know is that I've been feeling uncomfortable withmy
physical gender not matching my mental and emotional gender. I wantmy
body to be more female, more androgynous, to match my mind.
Now I've finally decided to do something about it and hopefullyI'll
start taking hormones soon. But of course I don't know how far I'mgoing
to go with it. Maybe I won't be able to take hormones for health
reasons... Maybe I won't like the effect of hormones on my mind!
Still, I've got to plan for the possibility of transitioningsomeday.
What if the gender clinic wants me to live as a woman for some time
before letting me take hormones? What if after taking hormones forsome
time I decide to have the surgery? I'd have to transition, and do it
smoothly, especially with respect to work.
By getting involved with the gender clinic and startingelectrolysis
now, I'm keeping the door open to the possibility a transition in ayear
or so, hormones or not... Just in case! So as much as there's a lotof
uncertainty ahead, a bit of planning now won't hurt :)
Anyway, I just wanted to clarify things. Take care.
J.
************************************************************************
Date: Wed, 22 Dec 1999 19:53:33 -0800
************************************************************************
C. wrote:
> BTW, J., I'm keen to hear you say more about gender(presentation)
> and desire as one axis of the whole "appearance/desire"equation. Any
> thoughts on the matter?
Gee... Now you're asking for trouble :) Ok then, let's shake thegender
stereotypes a little <grin>!
Western society and culture deals with gender in a very crudeway. If
you think gender is about simple male/female duality, think again!This
concept of 2 genders is instilled into us at a young age andreenforced
during our entire lives, but it's far from accurate.
Few people ever question this gender duality... Yet, not onlyare there
more than 2 genders, there are multiple aspects of gender andranges of
gender, which can vary with time. I call this the fluidity ofgender.
Here's a little quiz to illustrate this idea:
Draw 4 circles with the numbers 1 to 12 (like a clock withouthands),
write "neither" at the 12 o'clock position, "female" at 3 o'clock,
"both" at 6 o'clock and "male" at 9 o'clock. In each circle, draw an
hour hand (or a range of hour hand positions) that best matches your
gender, based on the following basic aspects:
- Gender biology (what your body says you are)
- Gender identity (what your mind says you are)
- Gender appearance (what you look like to others)
- Gender role (what you feel like to others)
Here are my results:
- GB 8:00
- GI 5:00 to 6:00
- GA 10:00 to 1:00
- GR 4:00 to 8:00
Some of the above aspects directly influence who finds youdesirable
and, in turn, who you find desirable. For example, I'm bisexual, and
here's what I've noticed about my preferences, with regards topartners
and lovers:
I prefer female bits over male bits <grin>, but I don'tcare about
people's birth sex (GB aspect). I'm generally more emotionallyattracted
to (and in sync with) females than males (GI aspect). I'm often more
physically attracted to men who dress and act more feminine and towomen
who dress and act more masculine (GA and GR aspect). But there'salsoa
lot of day-to-day variability in my preferences.
The problem with modern society and culture is that simple gender
duality not only pigeonholes people's concept of gender, it alsoaffects
how you're treated if you bend the "rules" of gender (in anyaspect)!
If you express some aspect of your gender differently than thestatus
quo, you're considered to be abnormal! Yet nobody's exactly male or
female... Gender identity, gender appearance, and gender roles often
don't reflect gender biology. Transsexual people are a good exampleof
this.
And this is where the analogy with C.'s point comes in. Few of us
actually match in physical appearance the ideals projected bysociety
and culture. Well, I also think that few of us actually match ingender
the concepts imposed by society and culture. That makes for anawfullot
of gender uneducated people out there :)
In my experience, most queer people understand the fluidity ofgender.
I think it's because sexuality and gender are so inter-related.
Analysing one's sexuality can lead to thinking about gender and
vice-versa. Personally, understanding my sexuality was a catalyst to
defining my (trans)gender.
If you'd like to know more about gender, I've got a few links onmy
website (see signature below). I also suggest you visit:
http://dir.yahoo.com/Society_and_Culture/Cultures_and_Groups/Transgendered/
J.
************************************************************************
Date: Thu, 13 Jan 2000 02:49:41 -0800
************************************************************************
Hi :)
I'm writing these messages to people that matter to me so I candocument
things somewhat...
I find it interesting that my oath of citizenship will be takingplace
the exact same day as my very first interview with the genderclinic (at
9:00 AM Jan. 28)!
So what's new with my gender stuff?
It's almost been 2 months since I started taking Spironolactone(Nov.
23) and my doctor has since doubled the dosage (Dec. 14) to 200mg/day.
This anti-androgen drug was originally designed to reduce high blood
pressure and since mine is a bit high to begin with, it's all good.I
feel a bit calmer, a bit colder, and a bit more tired, but I'm notsure
if it's related to the drug. I also have to watch my fluid intake,
otherwise I spend quite a bit of time in the bathroom :) It lookslike
my body hair is getting thinner, and my breasts are getting a bitmore
defined. No lumps behind my nipples yet! Then again, I don't expectany
visible changes until I begin taking estrogen, hopefully in a few
months.
I've done 11 and a half hours of electrolysis so far, and mycheeks are
starting to clear quite a bit now. About 100 hours or so more to go
before I can stop shaving :) Joy... It's quite a chore and ithurts! I
go for 2 hours a week on Tues. mornings at 10:00 AM. I hate itbecause
unlike getting a tattoo, it's not good pain that generatesendorphins
and makes you numb, if you know what I mean. I'm experimenting with
different combinations of pain-killers to make it more bearable.
I also started using topical Minoxidil 2 month ago (2% for thefirst
month, now 5%), in an attempt to regrow some of the lost hair on my
head. The anti-androgen drug inhibits the balding process, andimproves
the effectiveness of the Minoxidil, but it's supposed to take about3-4
months for significant results. I'm already seeing new hair sprouthere
and there, so it's good sign.
That's about it... Take care!
J.
************************************************************************
Date: Mon, 07 Feb 2000 03:29:45 -0800
************************************************************************
I have definitively been procrastinating. It's not funny! Imeant to
write this message a week ago... On January 28, I had my firstinterview
with the Gender Clinic. It went OK, but not great.
The person I talked to, Dr. Oliver Robinow has a reputation forbeinga
tough interviewer and a believer in old school values on gender,which
are a lot more black an white than my personal feelings. I knew this
ahead of time: my trans friend L. and my electrologist at theclinic,
Christine, had warned me.
So I got there at 9 AM, all pretty and girlie with a clear mind,and
after a 10 minute wait, I was sitting in his office, answering a
complete stranger's questions reaching far into the depth of mypsyche,
things about my childhood and adolescence and fantasies.
My mind got foggy a lot faster than I expected. In retrospect, Ithink
it was part of the plan: he was confusing me on purpose. And itworked!
After 40 minutes of rushing me through answers and patronizing meabout
my feelings, the verdict came...
"I don't think you're ready for hormones. I think a year ofexplorative
psychotherapy's the way to go. But I want a second opinion, so I'llbook
an appointment for you with someone else."
So here it was: 40 minutes of dynamiting at my psyche, andapparently,
I'm loosing my mind. Never mind the fact that the only reason I got
involved with the Gender Clinic in the first place was because Ispent
almost 2 years of my spare time soul searching, questioning, and
researching, finally reaching the conclusion that I wanted hormones.
Then I was in the elevator in my pretty skirt, leaving. Andthat's when
I realized how much my mind had been hijacked: he was not very
interested about my present situation and I forgot to mention somuch
stuff! I was upset.
So I now have an appointment with Dr. Diane Watson on March 2,at 10AM.
She's supposedly a lot more progressive and a much more pleasant
interviewer. I'll make a point of telling her the things I forgotlast
time. And this is the good news: a second interview is good sign I'm
told.
So my first experience was rather distressing. I guess I'll justhaveto
jump through the hoops as L. says :) In retrospect it's a good thing
I waited to write this message, because I was pretty lost after the
interview (ask C., she remembers). Too bad it dampened the
excitement of my citizenship ceremony that afternoon.
And now here's something else. I have decided to put a new nameona
trial basis for a while. From now on, I'd prefer the few of you tocall
me Myriam and refer to me as she/her when possible (in phone/mail
messages and in person when/where appropriate).
I'd like to see if I like the name, and I will not be upset ifyou
forget or if you find it strange at first. I still screw it upmyself.
Just remember that I don't want to disclose anything to anyone atwork.
Basically, the people I sent this message to are most of the peoplewho
know what I'm up to.
<hugs> and <kisses>
Myriam
************************************************************************
Date: Fri, 10 Mar 2000 03:29:21 -0800
************************************************************************
Well it's been an exciting week...
Last week (Thurs. March 2) I went to the gender clinic for mysecond
interview at 10 AM. This time I talked to Dr. Diane Watson who wasjust
great! She asked some really good questions, listened to me, andletme
answer without rushing me. I told her that I was rather upset aftermy
first interview. I discussed my feelings, my life today and myfuture
plans. She invited me to be a part of the MTF group meeting she
organizes and scheduled an another interview, as time was runningout.
So yesterday (Thurs. March 9) I saw her again at 4 PM, and sheasked me
some more good questions. She made me feel really comfortable, which
resulted in a very honest conversation. I then asked her if she
personally felt that I'm ready to start taking hormones. She saidyes!
So I'm not loosing my mind afterall...
Next week she's going to present my case to the core group ofpeople in
charge of the gender clinic. She confirmed that I'd be getting acall
about the next MTF group meeting and made herself available if Ievre
want one-on-one therapy. She also explained that I'll probably be
interviewed by another therapist from the core group before I'mapproved
for hormones.
So it's all good :)
<hugs> and <kisses>
Myriam
************************************************************************
Date: Tue, 14 Mar 2000 23:05:08 -0800
************************************************************************
Just a quick update...
I saw my family physician tonight to renew my prescription of
Spironolactone (anti-androgen drug) and she increased my dosage tothe
maximum recommended by the gender clinic, ie. 400 mg per day.
I'm currently taking 200 mg per day, so I'll progressively beincreasing
my dosage over next couple of weeks. Then I'll go for a blood testto
make sure my K+ (potassium ion) levels are still good.
Bye-bye testosterone :) Ah, better living thru chemistry!
Myr
************************************************************************
Date: Sat, 25 Mar 2000 18:52:53 -0800
************************************************************************
I added another hole to my collection yesterday... It's a rookpiercing
in my left ear and it's my 12th overall!
I'd been thinking about it for a while, and then around 5 PM Igot "the
urge" and I decided to get it done. What better than gettingpierced for
leaving a job? :)
I called my piercer Greta but according to her assistant she wasall
booked and busy with a customer. So I left a message asking her togive
me ring. When she called me back I mentioned "the urge" so sheagreedto
do it at 7 PM.
It went well, as always. We talked, catching up on things and Itoldher
about my transition and my new name. She was really cool aboutit...It
turns out that T., one of her good friends, transitioned FTM a while
back! L., do you know him?
It's important, because I'm planning more piercings and I wanther to be
comfortable with me. I also hope Dave, my tattoo artist, feels thesame
way.
I'm currently designing a tattoo for my left upper arm, based onthe
trans symbol with a caterpillar & butterfly scheme in thebackground.
I'd like to get this tattoo around the time I start taking hormones.
I'd also like to get vertical piercings with barbells for mynipples
(behind my horizontal ones) but I'm a bit concerned that thehormonal
changes will affect the healing process. So I'll have to get themdone
soon, or wait a few years. Hmmm, decisions...
Anyway, as I was leaving, I asked Greta how much I owed her, andshe
said: "nothing, it's on me". Wow!
<hugs>
Myr
PS: Here's a page about rook piercings:
http://www.bme.freeq.com/pierce/01-ear/rook1.html
PPS: Here's a page about the trans symbol:
http://www.gendertalk.com/tgsymbol.htm
************************************************************************
Date: Sat, 31 Mar 2000 03:06:02 -0800
************************************************************************
Oh yeah, before I forget... About a week ago, I decided to tellmy
roommate M. and his partner N. (whom I know from the bi group)
about my transition and my new name. M. was quite surprised but I
think he's going to be fine. N. gave me a big hug, so I know he's
cool with it.
<hugs> and <kisses>
Miss M.
************************************************************************
Date: Thu, 20 Apr 2000 03:28:51 -0700
************************************************************************
Hi :)
This is an update on my ongoing gender changes... Lots of newstuff
lately!
1) I have a new e-mail address (myriam@bidyke.net), so pleaseupdate your
contact information. My old e-mail address still works since bothpoint
to the same e-mail account. I also have a new web page
(http://www.bidyke.com/home.html).I plan to keep an up-to-date version of my
gender diary there.
2) Since March 27, I've been taking 400 mg of Spironolactone aday
(anti-androgen drug) and I'm feeling nicely grounded. Around thesame
time, I donated pretty much all my leftover boy's clothes (mostly
underwear) to D. and L. :)
3) Between April 2 and 6, I went on a road trip to San Franciscowith
T. and M. It was an absolute blast! I'll be sending you a
summary of it as soon as I find a bit of time to sit down and write.
While In San Francisco, I got a new tattoo from Cecilia (F.'s
daughter) at Mom's (http://www.momsbodyshop.com/).It's a small black
capricorn symbol surrounded by an orange halo on my right innerwrist
(see attached picture).
4) On April 13, the most amazing thing happened. I was checkingmy
nipple piercings - because I'd noticed an occasional tinglingsensation
there and I'd recently been finding it uncomfortable to lie mychesta
certain way - when I noticed a small lump (tender when pressed)behind
my right nipple and a smaller one behind my left nipple. Yes, I'm
growing breasts!
5) On April 17, I decided it was time to come out to my distantfriends
and to start writing a long letter to my family. I sent an e-mailtomy
friends. The result was interesting, akin to watching a firecracker
explode in a bowl of whipped cream :) Overall, I received mostly
supportive messages. Other people expressed shock or concern, so I
replied and reassured them. I'm still waiting for some friends to
answer. I started working on the letter for my family. It's going to
take some time to formulate things just right.
6) The issue of X-Tra West for which Jamie invited me to modelswimsuits
with E., T. and E. is supposed to be available today (April
20)! I can't wait to see the results.
7) I have a third interview on April 27 (2 PM) with Dr. Watsonat the
Gender Clinic to "discuss hormones" (her exact words). It soundsvery
encouraging... I'm keeping my fingers crossed that I won't have towait
much longer to start taking hormones.
That's all folks.
<hugs> and <kisses>
Myr
************************************************************************
Date: Wed, 31 May 2000 02:31:51 -0700
************************************************************************
Hi!
It's been a while since I've updated everyone about the state ofmy
gender quest. So here you are. You can also read this message at the
bottom of http://www.bidyke.com/diary.html(afterI add it
to the other ones). So here are the news:
On April 27 I met Dr. Watson for a third interview. It was a bit
frustrating as, once again, we discussed some of the topics already
addressed, but it went well overall. She explained that, because the
gender clinic was very busy, things were moving a bit slower than
normal, but that she was definitively going to present my case tothe
rest of the team with a recommendation in favor of hormone therapy.We
set an appointment for me to see her again with "the verdict" onMay30
at 11 AM.
So yesterday, May 30, I went to see Dr. Watson and I receivedgreat
news: I have been approved for hormone therapy! Yay :) But... Shethen
explained that some of the medical staff take a summer break fromthe
gender clinic, and are not available to prescribe hormones duringthat
time. So I asked her if it was possible for my family doctor to
prescribe them, based on her written evaluation of my situation, and
without stepping on anyone's toes. She said there was no problemwith
that, recommended starting dosages for estrogens and progesteronesand
gave me a copy of her assessment letter.
Conveniently, I was already planning to see my family doctor, Dr.
Jenkins, yesterday at 7 PM, to refill my prescriptions. So, after a
restless afternoon at work, I went to see her and told her the good
news. I gave her Dr. Watson's assessment letter and I asked if shewould
get me started on hormones. She agreed and I walked out with a
prescription for estrogens and progesterones. Yay :)
I can start today, but the benefits at my new job don't beginuntil
tomorrow, June 1. So on Thursday, I'm planning to go to thedrugstore
and walk out with the biggest grin on my face, and some specialgirly
pills... Woohoo! I'm so happy :)
In other news, last week I finally sent my mother and sisters along
letter disclosing my decision to change gender. It was difficult to
write and took me a long time. So now I'm waiting... I can onlyhopefor
the best. Wish me luck!
This past weekend, May 26 to 29, I was in Seattle forConvergence 6,
(http://www.convergence6.com/)the annual gathering of Internet people
who are involved in the goth subculture. I drove down with N.,
M. and M. and we really enjoyed ourselved. Lots of clubbing and
shopping and dressing up extravagantly (LOL). So I spent a bit toomuch
money (doh), purchasing a black vinyl trench coat (think Trinity in
_The_Matrix_) and a very nice soft silicone dildo from Toys inBabeland
(http://www.babeland.com/),amongstother small things.
Anyway, take care and keep in touch, as always.
<hugs>
Myr
************************************************************************
Date: Sun, 04 Jun 2000 00:10:20 -0700
************************************************************************
Me again :)
Good news...
This past Wednesday (May 31) I got an e-mail from one of mysisters
saying that my sisters and mom have received my transition letter.She
wrote "We are with you" and "[mom] will always love you just asmuch".
Needless to say, I'm relieved! She went on to day that obviouslyit'll
take some time to accept this big change in my life and that I can
expect more thought from them in the near future.
Just wanted you all to know.
<hugs>
Myr
************************************************************************
Date: Sat, 24 Jun 2000 19:18:32 -0700
************************************************************************
Hi!
Last night I let my tattoo artist, Dave, etch my latest tattoodesign
into the skin of my upper left arm. The result is wonderful
(http://www.bidyke.com/images/tattoo03.jpg).
It's a circle (black, like the one on my back), with the transsymbol
inside (dark green) and a colorful butterfly behind it (purple and
orange shading).
M. came along for support (thanks hon). Once again it was a great
experience for me, with plenty of endorphins and goodness :)
FYI, my web pages at http://www.bidyke.com/home.htmlcontinue to work. So feel
free to take a look, as I have added some new links and pictures.
<hugs>
Myr
************************************************************************
Date: Fri, 14 Jul 2000 04:43:53 -0700
************************************************************************
Hi :)
Sometimes, an interest in your life goes beyond the "amateur"level into
the "professional" realm, to use a sports analogy. I think that's
exactly what happened with my 13th piercing yesterday.
Over the past couple of months I have become good friends withTaylor,
who is the piercer at Electroladylux here in Vancouver... He is very
sweet and we have some important things in common, as some of yousurely
know! So it was only a matter of time until I asked him to performhis
piercer magic on me, as a special treat.
I wanted another ear piercing. However, I wanted something truly
different. I wanted to push the envelope. And so that's what we
achieved. The babcock is a rare and technicaly complicated earpiercing.
It involves piercing the cartillage twice, at different angles.
Sometimes, it even results in two fully distinc holes (not in mycase).
So I decided to go with a 14 ga. 3/8" curved barbell. Cartillage
piercings generally require the needle to be 1 size bigger (12 ga.in
this case) than the jewelry, but Taylor suggested we use a needle 2
sizes bigger, to speed up the healing process. That's 10 ga! That'sjust
huge...
I looked at the needle, and agreed (yes I'm crazy). Taylorstarted with
some aromatherapy, while I focused on relaxing and breathing. Thenhe
pierced me. It was very intense. It took two slow exhales tocomplete.
But what an amazing endorphins trip afterwards! It was the best I've
experienced since I got my nipples pierced.
You can see the result on my web page (steel beads):
http://www.bidyke.com/images/piercing02.jpg
And I got to keep the needle:) It's on my web page too:
http://www.bidyke.com/images/needle01.jpg
The 3 small things to the left of the needle are pieces ofcartillage
that I retrieved from the inside of the needle (it's hollow surgical
grade stainless steel, triple bevelled, super sharp and worth $5).The
ruler give you an idea of scale (centimeters on top, inches on the
bottom).
So there :)
<hugs>
Myr
************************************************************************
Date: Mon, 07 Aug 2000 22:40:06 -0700
************************************************************************
Hello,
It's been a while since I updated all of you on what's happeninginmy
life, so here are the latest news...
Things are good. As a matter of fact, I'd even say things arereally
good! Then again, I'm writing this at the end of pride weekend, soI'm
probably still a bit stoked :)
- Gender:
Ah yes, that ongoing little change in my life :) Hormones do amazing
things. I've never felt this good. Sure, progress is slow, but notaday
goes by where I don't notice something new, something differentaboutmy
body or my mind. It's subtle stuff, like the root of a hair goingfrom
dark to light, and it's truly awe inspiring. I'm learning so muchabout
myself, reacting to old situations in new ways, feeling emotions
differently than before, more intensely.
My breasts are growing a lot lately and are quite sore. As amatter of
fact a lot of things are changing a lot faster than I anticipated. I
forget to document things in the shuffle of everyday life. Myfingers,
and my thumbs in particular look so different than before. I shouldhave
outlined my hands a while ago. I've started taking monthly picturesof
my chest (http://www.bidyke.com/images/chest01.jpg),but I'm
missing April to June...
Dark patches and light patches of hair alternate on my arms,making cool
patterns. The hair on my chest is receding. My skin and body hairare
very soft and thin now. I scrape and cut my hands so easily wherebefore
I'd never even notice! Electrolysis is coming along slowly. I have
problem skin, so it's taking longer than anticipated, but we'vecomeup
with a regimen that seems to work. Last week we started on my upperlip
and it was very painful, even after applying topical anesthetic.After8
months and 66.5 hours of electrolysis, I think we're about halfwaydone.
Back in June, it took a few weeks for my body to adjust to thehormones.
I was often feeling tired and emotional, and it was a difficulttime.
July and August have been much better. I saw my psychiatrist at the
gender clinic, Dr. Watson, on July 6. It was a pretty uneventfulvisit,
which was nice for a change. Then I saw the nurse at the clinic,Blaine
Beemer, on July 19 for a checkup. I'll be seeing one of the Clinic
endocrinologists on August 14 to adjust the amount of hormones I'm
taking, based on the latest blood tests (I'm currently taking aminimal
dosage of both progesterone and estrogen).
I'm considering to start the process of officially changing myname as
soon as September. It involves advertising the intent in one of the
local papers and in the BC Gazette (the weekly governmentnewsletter),
followed by the actual paperwork, which takes 6 to 8 weeks. Then Ihave
to change my name everywhere, like my driver's license, health card,
bank, car insurance, etc... I'll also be getting a letter from the
gender clinic so I can get my gender changed on some documents(likemy
driver's license), as an interim measure until I can get it done
officially after surgery!
- Work:
I've been pretty busy at work. It's been a challenge to provemyself in
a company with many talented people while being distracted by allthe
stuff going on in my life. But somehow in the middle of it all, Istill
managed to design and implement a solid sound engine for thePlaystation
2, which future support for the XBox. So after 4 months, I thinkBlack
Box is a good place to work, with good people. It reminds me of the
early days at Relic, before management bullshit spoiled everything.
However, Black Box is now bigger than Relic in terms of the numberof
employees, number of projects, and revenue (I got my first bonus in
June).
But the most exciting thing that's happened to me at work wasthat I
recently told one of my coworkers about my gender change. I was not
planning on it, but it was the right thing to do. The conversation
started with a discussion on piercing and tattooing, and ended witha
discussion about me being queer (I'm out at work). More talkingensued,
in which we realized that we know some of the same people (yes, I'm
talking about some of you, oh queer ones). At this point I decidedto
tell her about my gender change, because it felt right.
We went for a long coffee break in the park. I explained that Iwanted
to share something personal with her, and that nobody else at work
should find out until I decided it was time. I gave her the optionto
pass, if she felt uncomfortable with having to keep a secret, butshe
chose to find out (she chose the red pill). So I told hereverything.
She was totally cool with it and very supportive. It was a special
moment. I now have an ally at work, and that's a huge relief. Most
importantly, I've also made a new friend. Needless to say, we'vebeen
taking a lot of coffee breaks together! It's amazing how thingshappen
sometimes.
- Pride:
Pride was this past weekend (August 6) here in Vancouver. It washuge
this year, and a lot of fun. I went to a play party on Saturdaynight,
walked in the pride parade on Sunday, followed by some socializing,a
birthday party, some rest, and a "say no to corporate gay" party. I
spent a lot of time in the sun (with plenty of sun block andwater), and
covered great distances by foot :)
Most of you already know that, as a bottom, I enjoy gettingterrible
things done to me by wonderful people and that I regularly attendplay
parties. I'd been interested in exploring play piercing for sometime,
so I recently asked one of close friends, T., to introduce me to it.
And so Saturday night I experienced play piercing for the firsttime.
It was very intense and totally amazing. T. put a total of 28hollow
needles in my right upper arm, most of them 20+ ga., two 18 ga. andtwo
16 ga. (the smaller the number, the bigger the needle)! It was themost
magical sensation I've experienced in play so far. I think T. was
also very happy since he was able to perform some pretty advancedstuff
for a first time (patterns, different depths, needles crossing and
weaving).
I got really, really high on endorphins several times (stickingthe
needles in, playing with them, and finally removing them). It was an
incredible roller coaster ride. I was also privileged to have M.hold
my hand and share in my energy (thank you so much, sweetie).
Unfortunately, I forgot to take pictures, but I want more and I'mpretty
sure T. wants to give me more as well. So I think there'll another
opportunity for pictures at some point in the future...
My upper arm is still a bit sore today, and starting to bruise,which
together with the red dots left behind by the needles, looks rather
lovely, if you like that sort of thing :) Something to brag about, I
guess.
Sunday morning I was up early getting ready for the prideparade. Iwore
my vixen tank top (it features the stylized outline of a woman with
devil horns in dark gray, on a black background), my kiltmini-skirt and
of course my 15 eyelet docs.
The parade was a blast as usual (I'm not a camera whore, really,I
swear). I walked with the local bi group, and noticed many offriends in
the crowd. I'm also sure I missed others, since it's virtually
impossible to single people out in a crowd like that! After theparade,
I spent a lot of time socializing and hanging out down by the beach
before finally calling it a day... Well, not quite, because I wentto
A.'s birthday party at her place for a little while :)
I was getting pretty tired at this point, so I went home, took anice
hot bath with epsom salts, followed by a 2 hour nap and some food.Later
on, I went to a "say no to corporate gay" party, which was a lot offun.
I'm not always comfortable with a big party, not because of mygender
change, but because of the people. But this was a good crowd, very
friendly and very queer, with some familiar faces who made theevening
very special (you know who you are).
So there you have it, all the good stuff distilled in a singlemessage
:) I suggest you visit my web page as I've added some very nicepictures
(including some of my other swimsuit modeling pictures -
http://www.bidyke.com/pictures.html)
If you're in Vancouver, be sure to attend the presentation oftrans
shorts as part of the queer film festival (4 PM on August 13 at the
Pacific Cinematheque). I'll be part of a panel on trans issuestaking
place right after the presentation (http://www.outonscreen.com/ -
Acrobat reader required).
<hugs> and <kisses>
Myriam
************************************************************************
Date: Thu, 05 Oct 2000 04:23:06 -0700
************************************************************************
Hi :)
It's been a couple months since I last wrote in my gender diary,so
here's the latest news.
- August 10: I saw my psychiatrist at the gender clinic, Dr.Watson and
it was a pretty uneventful visit.
- August 14: I saw one of the endocrinologists at the genderclinic, Dr.
Priestman to evaluate my progress with hormones. After a quickcheckup
and interview, she decided that my dosage of hormones is adequate,and
requires no change. I agreed. My blood tests showed very goodlevels of
cholesterol and very low levels of testosterone. My blood pressureis
still a bit high but my family physician's keeping an eye on it. She
recommended I start cycling the estrogen 25 days on and 5 days off,to
mimic a biological woman's natural cycle. I was surprised since the
litterature is mixed on the effets of cycling, but apparently, it's
healthier.
- September 19: After 2 weeks of planning and after meeting withsome
key people in the company, I came out at work by sending to all my
coworkers an e-mail letter that I'd prepared beforehand (see
attachment). I also sent a similar letter to my ex-coworkers. Itwent
really well. Black Box fully supports my transition. One of the
directors sent a follow-up e-mail message to my letter stating:
"I'd like take this opportunity to make it clear that Black Box
respectfully supports every employee's personal decisions, and in
particular, J.'s decision to change gender. As a company, we are
committed to provide the best possible work environment for all
employees and to embrace diversity in the workplace. So please make
Myriam feel welcome. Thanks."
I now have a huge collection of e-mail replies from coworkers(current
and ex), that's quite interesting to read. There were no negative
reactions. Everyone was really nice. Some people even hugged me! The
next day during the morning meeting, I was addressed as Myriam andthe
proper pronouns were used without any mistakes. That day I startedusing
the women's bathroom. I guess my theory about most people beingevilwas
wrong afterall. Damn :) I worked hard to make my transition on thejob
as smooth as possible, but I'm still extremely grateful that itwentso
well. I'm feeling very happy, but it was quite an emotionallydemanding
experience, so I'm taking a break from October 1 to 9.
- September 21: I saw my psychiatrist at the gender clinic, Dr.Watson
and I totally surprised her by announcing that I successfully cameout
at work. She made a note that my "Real Life Test" is now inprogress. I
also started the process of legally changing my name. A local free
paper, the Westender, published my "Notice of intent to changename".
- September 25: I started cycling the estrogen, 5 days off. Iguess from
now on, I'll probably be a bit more moody at the end of everymonth...
So don't mess with me, you've been warned :)
- October 4: I received my legal name change certificate from the
government of British Columbia in the mail. I'm now legally called
Myriam. Yay! I now also have to change my name in a million
different places. Joy... Tomorrow I'm going to pick up a "Do notimpede
the bearer of this letter" document from the gender clinic so I canget
my gender changed to female on my driver's license. Then I'm goingtogo
to the motor vehicle office and get that new driver's license. I'mback
on estrogen, but I'm still feeling the emotional roller-coastereffects
from the cycling. Hormones are so powerful.
Well that's the news. Next time I'll have a scan of my newdriver's
license for you to look at. In the meantime, take good care.
<hugs>
Myriam
************************************************************************
Date: Fri, 20 Oct 2000 01:44:36 -0700
************************************************************************
Hello,
Great news... Yesterday I got my new driver's license in themail! It's
got my new name and a little "F" on it :) I've scanned it alongwithmy
old driver's license (for comparison) here:
- http://www.bidyke.com/images/license01.jpg(before)
-
Me: "Yes. I'd like to get tickets for the women only sex showtonight."
Guy: "It is women only, you know?"
Me: "Yes I know. I'm a woman..."
Guy: "Oh, I'm so sorry!"
Duh. Ok, so I was in butch army brat mode... But still, you'dthink
people at a gay and lesbian book store would be more careful about
making assumptions. Maybe he was hoping I was a boy so he could askme
out :)
I walked into Richards on Richards with two people: a butchwoman friend
of mine and her trans woman friend. The girl at the door looked usover
and said:
Girl: "This is a women only event."
Friends: "Yes we know."
Me: "I'm a woman!"
Girl: "Do you all identify as women?"
Me: "Yes."
Friends: "Yes."
Girl: "Well come on in then. Enjoy the show..."
Good call! I think the first line was meant to deter the fratboys, you
know? She was just doing her job.
We were expecting to get hassled. Not because of me, I alreadyhave ID
showing that I'm a woman. But because the trans woman who came withus
is even less of a gender conformist than me...
Myriam
************************************************************************
Date: Wed, 13 Dec 2000 23:59:30 -0800
************************************************************************
Hello darlings :)
Here's my latest: http://www.bidyke.com/images/tattoo04.jpg
It's on my right lower arm, about 16x6 cm. It was done by Teresaat
Electroladylux tattoo and piercing here in Vancouver. She did a
fantastic job, I'm very happy with the result!
I came up with the original idea over a year ago and furtherrefined it
while chatting with a good friend of mine online. Recently I did the
rough design work, which Teresa polished. But a lot of the detailinit
was spur of the moment, based on her input...
<hugs>
Myr
************************************************************************
Date: Mon, 22 Jan 2001 04:39:25 -0800
************************************************************************
Hello,
I've gathered some thoughts below about the gender clinic toshare with
my therapist there, Dr. Watson.
Myr
************************************************************************
I'm a pre-operative transsexual woman (MTF) who was referred to the
gender clinic and started transitioning over a year ago. I started
taking hormones, changed my name and started living full time asfemale
6 month ago. I'm currently seeking approval from the clinic forgender
reassignment surgery. The text below is meant as constructivecriticism
and is aimed at improving the relationship between clients and
therapists at the gender clinic.
- Orientation:
Dr Watson's idea of an orientation video is good. The clinicneeds to
present as less of a faceless institution to its clients.
A welcome package or colour handout describing what role thegender
clinic plays, how it operates, who it employs (with name, photo,phone
number, e-mail address, job description, research projects, journal
publications) would make clients feel more comfortable. Theinformation
may even include a brief history of the clinic.
A dedicated gender clinic web site would also be useful,particularly
for those people living outside of Vancouver and seeking information
about the gender clinic. The current web page (part of the VHHSC web
site) at http://www.vanhosp.bc.ca/html/pros_cpu_sexuality.htmlis not
detailed enough and too sterile.
- Evaluation:
The gender clinic needs to completely revise its role and current
process with respect to the evaluation of clients for hormones and
surgery.
Many clients (like me) have already carefully researched andprocessed
gender issues by the time they become involved with the clinic.After
screening clients for obvious mental problems, which should requireno
more than 2 or 3 visits with the same therapist, the clinic should
approve hormones, at the consistent request of the client. There isno
need for this to be a team decision. The client would then visit the
same therapist on a regular basis for check-ups.
After the client changes their name and lives full time in their
preferred gender for some time, nominally, but not necessarily onefull
year, and if the client shows the ability to maintain a stablelife,the
clinic should approve surgery, at the consistent request of theclient,
after screening by another therapist of their choice, which should
require no more than 1 or 2 visits. Once again, there is no need for
this to be a team decision.
Clearly, some clients have not figured out their gender issuesby the
time they become involved with the gender clinic, and should be
counselled by the same therapist until they are able to make aneducated
decision about the transition process. Remember that clients are
generally capable of deciding what they want, given properinformation
and counselling. Once the client chooses a clear course of action,the
therapist should assist them, not hinder them.
- Stereotypes:
I think the biggest problem with the gender clinic at thepresent time
is with regards to stereotypes.
Traditionally, the medical world sees gender and sex as blackand white,
male of female, GI Joe or Barbie. There is no room for variation,for
the in-between. This is further reinforced by society, culture and,in
particular, the media. But in reality, things are very different.Inthe
real world, there are many genders, with many people between maleand
female. In addition, gender is not static. It may change with time,
depending on how people feel.
I suggest that the therapists at the gender clinic take a closerlookat
the world some of their clients live in. I also suggest that theyread
books by Kate Bornstein, Leslie Feinberg, Pat Califia and visit themany
web sites about gender, like http://www.transfeminism.org/in addition
to medical textbooks and journals, to get a better perspective onthe
complexity and variability of gender. It's important for thetherapists
at the gender clinic to understand that many of their clients get
involved with the clinic because they're uncomfortable with their
physical sex and have the overwhelming need to change their body,
regardless of gender identity, appearance, behaviour, expression,
sexuality, etc...
For example, I'm a butch dyke (with femme moments) and I have noproblem
living as female and being successful in the real world. I'm happywith
the effects of hormones on my body, but I'm not comfortable at allwith
my male genitals. It affects the intimacy in my relationships, not
because of issues on the part of my partners, but because of how
incongruent I feel physically.
Currently, many clients who don't fit within the black and white
stereotypes of male and female have no choice but to lie to their
therapists to get the hormones or surgery they so desperately need.Once
the therapists at the clinic understand the complexity of gender and
stop working with the idea that the way clients feel about their
physical sex is necessarily related to their gender identity,
appearance, behaviour, expression, sexuality et al., trust will be
restored and therapists will get much more accurate results fortheir
research, and more importantly they'll be better able to help those
clients who need counselling the most.
Some therapists at the gender clinic are particularly difficultfor
clients to trust. For example, Dr. Robinow, who still adheres to
obsolete black and white concepts of gender, seems to be looking for
*the* textbook transsexual, and keeps insulting first time clientand
sending them to other therapists. I suggest the therapists at theclinic
get reviewed by clients on a regular basis and be removed from theteam
if they're consistently disliked.
- Responsibility:
I know that when deciding whether or not to approve a client for
hormones and especially for surgery, many therapists at the clinicfeel
overwhelmed by the responsibility. Obviously, they care for their
clients.
But what they have to realize is that if there are no signs ofobvious
mental problems and the client shows the ability to maintain astable
life, the best course of action once the client consistentlyrequests
hormones or surgery, is to approve it.
This may not be easy. I suggest that therapists seek counsellingin
dealing with their own issues around responsibility. I also suggestthat
therapists have the client sign a release form, not for legalpurposes,
but for emotional impact.
************************************************************************
Date: Fri, 26 Jan 2001 03:08:33 -0800
************************************************************************
Hello :)
Wow! It's already been 2 months and since I last wrote in mygender
diary. So here's the latest...
- January 8: I celebrated my first birthday as a girl. Yay! I'mnow32,
yet from a body chemistry point of view I'm only about 12...Adolescence
meets experience. It makes for some interesting moments, but I feel
good!
- January 18: I saw my therapist at the gender clinic, Dr.Watson. I
told her that my goal this year is to get approved for surgery. Shewas
supportive, but expressed her concern about the rest of the team not
feeling the same way because I don't fit the stereotypes. So I think
getting approved for surgery is going to be a bit of a battle, likeit
was for hormones. But I'm ready for it... So bring it on!
- January 22: I saw one of the endocrinologists at the genderclinic,
Dr. Basson, for my 6-months checkup for hormones. The results of my
blood tests are very good so she suggested I double my dosage of
progesterone to further reduce the influence of testosterone. Istarted
right away. Soon I'll be able to kiss the last few hairs on my chest
goodbye. She also mentioned that my breasts are growing quite nicely
(see http://www.bidyke.com/images/chest01.jpg).
- January 24: I picked up my brand new passport with an F on it!Howon
earth? Well, I have my ways...
That's it for now, so take good care, and keep in touch!
<hugs>
Myriam
PS: I'm working on a new personal web site at http://www.bidyke.com/ so
check it out in a few weeks.
************************************************************************
Date: Mon, 11 Jun 2001 02:08:29 -0700
************************************************************************
Hi,
Do you know what happens when I don't write for a while? 6months goby
just like that! Don't blink...
A lot has happened in 6 months. I'm going to try to cover mostof it
here, with parts of my diary thrown in for good measure.
Visit the "gender diary" page of my web site for more
(http://www.bidyke.com/diary.html).
- February 11:
More ink, again... Yummy! Inner right forearm this time
(http://www.bidyke.com/images/tattoo05.jpg).
- March 11:
I took part in a video documentary on trans diversity called "Gender
line" that will be presented at "Out on screen", the Vancouver Queer
Film & Video Festival, August 9-19, 2001 (http://www.outonscreen.com/).
This documentary is the work of my electrologist, ChristineBurnham, who
is an amazing trans person and video artist.
- March 29:
I saw my therapist at the gender clinic, Dr. Watson, to furtherdiscuss
my need for surgery. It was a quite frustrating as, once again, we
discussed some of the topics already addressed, but it resulted inan
appointment to discuss the matter further with both Dr. Watson andDr.
Stevenson, the director of the gender clinic. Since the approval for
surgery requires a second opinion. it's a step in the rightdirection.
- April 21-27:
My sister Stéphanie and her boyfriend Alex came all the wayfromFrance
to visit me for a week. This was the first time anyone in my familywas
seeing me in my new gender and it went pretty well. I showed themaround
and my sister and I talked quite a bit.
She's the youngest of my 2 sisters, and the most open-mindedmember of
my family. I think she left with a better idea of who I am, andlotsof
valuable information to share with the rest of my family.
But overall, it was a bittersweet experience. It was really nicetosee
my sister again, because we love each-other dearly, but I felt arift
between us because I've changed so much. I don't really know if my
family will ever fully understand me.
- May 3 [from my diary]:
It was only a matter of time. It took me a while. I sent S. amessage
tonight: "I have a crush on you." It's true. My heart aches to think
about it.
Maybe it's the spring. And I'm crying, again. And it's alright.Somuch
intensity. My sister's visit, Seattle's dykes, yesterday's victory[*],
L's art...
The hormones in my blood are fueling my emotions like gasolinefuels
fire. I've learned to love it and hate it all at once; being able to
feel it so clearly. The Pain.
I need to play. I need to kiss. I need to cuddle. I need tolove. Ineed
purple hair. It's time!
[* My family doctor gave me a letter stating that genderreassignment
surgery was not required for me to be a woman, paving the way formeto
obtain a citizzenship certificate with an "F" on it.]
- May 22:
I had an important meeting with my therapist, Dr. Watson, thedirector
of the gender clinic, Dr. Stevenson, and another therapist, Dr.Knutsen,
regarding my need for surgery. The idea was to meet with a second
therapist to get another opinion, since my situation is far from
conventional...
The meeting went really well. It was intense but veryproductive. Dr.
Stevenson wants to present my case to the rest of the team sometimein
the next few weeks. Dr. Watson and him have some reservations butare
agreeable to my request for surgery.
If I get approved by the team, I can obtain the 2 letters I needtoset
a date for surgery with my preferred surgeon in Montreal, Dr.brassard
(http://www.grsmontreal.com/)!
- May 25-28:
I attended FTM 2001: A Gender Odyssey - in Seattle. I met so many
beautiful people, boys and girls and everything in-between... The
energy was incredible It was truly an amazing experience!
On Sunday evening I went to a trans play party at the Wet Spotand
thoroughly enjoyed myself :) I'd like to thank I. and S. - you knowwho
you are.
- June 1:
It was the first anniversary of me starting hormones (progesteroneand
estrogen) and I was on TV! I appeared in an interview on episode 9of
"Kink", a 13-episode documentary on alternative lifestyles,featuring
amongst others, my friends Shaira, Elaine and Aiden... It airs every
Friday at 12:30 AM PDT on Showcase (http://www.kinktheseries.com/).
- June 4:
After 7 months of corresponding with and waiting for the federal
government, I have finally received my new citizenship certificatewith
an "F" on it... It's equivalent to a birth certificate, so now it's
official, I'm a girl!
- June 9:
Have you ever had a hole punched in the cartillage of your ear - not
pierced, but punched? Well that's exactly what I had done by Taylorat
Electroladylux! I just had to try it...
After some aromatherapy and deep breathing, he punched my rightear
(conch) with a 4 ga. double-bevelled hollow stainless steel needle(5mm
or 3/16" diameter) and removed the excess skin with a scalpel. Just
picture a hole punch going through a piece of paper :)
It really hurt, but the endorphin trip afterwards was amazing.At first,
when the needle went in, it felt just like a regular piercing, butthen
it got really wild! I tensed up a bit but I kept exhaling and I only
felt a faint sting from the scalpel.
It all happened in a flash, and soon I was just grinning andgiggling.
Now I'm wearing a cool 6 ga. stainless steel hollow machined pluginmy
right ear. I'll post a picture when it's less crusty.
It's probably the biggest hole I'll ever consent to getting (not
counting my future vagina), and I'm not sure I'd do it again, butyou
only live once :)
- What else?
My work's been very stressful over the past 6 months because of some
tension between me and our thin layer of management. I don't thinkit's
related to my new gender. It's more about my natural tendency tobend
the rules and challenge authority. I've recently decided to let goof
this battle, because I like my job and most of my coworkers, and Ihave
more important things to fight for.
Things at home have also been stressful at times and one of mybest
friends tried to kill herself, but I don't think it's appropriateforme
to elaborate about this here.
<hugs> as always :)
Myr
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Date: Thu, 15 Nov 2001 05:23:05 -0800
************************************************************************
Hi,
So another crazy 4 months have elapsed since my last entry.
Visit the "gender diary" page of my web site for more
(http://www.bidyke.com/diary.html).
- June 21:
I saw my therapist at the gender clinic, Dr. Watson, to yet again
discuss my need for surgery. The outcome was, as usual, pointless.She
announced that she was leaving the gender clinic. I requested Dr.
Stevenson, the director of the gender clinic, as my new therapist.He's
one of the better therapists there, and we'd already met in May.
- July 31:
I had a "succession" meeting with my old therapist at the genderclinic,
Dr. Watson, and my new therapist, Dr. Stevenson. It was quite
frustrating, because Dr. Stevenson was supposed to present my caseto
the rest of the team after we'd met in May, but changed his mind,
expressing reservations about my need for surgery. He mentionedthathe
wants to get to know me better first.
- August 5:
I walked in the pride parade with my friend I. - She's my Daddy - as
part of the Mr. BC Leather contingent. I was wearing my leatherchest
harness, collar and cuffs, my black vinyl miniskirt, my black velvet
G-string and, of course, my Doc's. And to complete this greatoutfit,
Daddy wrote "PAIN SLUT" in red lipstick on my bare chest! It raineda
lot, but I was running around a lot, bending over and lifting my
miniskirt for Daddy's hand and crop every few minutes, so I was notcold
:)
- August 9-12:
I attended the North American Conference on Bisexuality, Gender and
Sexual Diversity (http://binetbc.bi.org/2001/)in Vancouver. Kate
Bornstein was one of the keynotes speakers. She really moved me.She's
such an amazing speaker! I was involved in two panels, one onadvanced
poly, the other on gender diversity.
I spent a lovely evening with L., a beautiful trans boy whostole my
heart, only to break it a few weeks later. It really hurt, but Idon't
even think he knows.
- August 26:
I moved on my own into a queer co-op building, ending months ofstress
at home, at last...
- September 11:
Some really crazy shit happened in the US and then I got fired! Yesboys
and girls, my employer picked this lovely day to let me go. Why?Because
I was not meeting the impossible expectations my employer forcedupon
me, making my life miserable for months. Conveniently, this wasalsothe
last day of the project I was working on (well not quite, as itturns
out). Judging from the waiver I was forced to sign to obtain my
severance package, thi>out). Judging from the waiver I was forced to sign to obtain my
severance package, this was clearly a case of wrongful dismissal.Which
demonstrates how two influential people who don't like you in acompany
with lots more people who like you, can still have the last word.
- September 18:
I saw my therapist at the gender clinic, Dr. Stevenson, to discussmy
need for surgery. He wants to get to know me better, so Iregurgitated
my history once again. We ended up debating the definition of"woman".
He's a straight white middle-class man. Can you imagine myfrustration?
- October 5-7:
I went to Seattle to visit my friends and to see S. in particular,but
she was unavailable, which was very disappointing. I spent my timewith
I. instead, and really enjoyed myself :)
- October 24:
Faced with ongoing stagnation at the gender clinic, I went to seeDr.
J., an independent psychiatrist in Victoria, to request approval for
surgery. He was highly recommended, so I asked my family doctor fora
referral.
The meeting went really well. I explained my situation. He wasvery open
minded and supportive of my need for surgery. He's going to contactmy
preferred surgeon and start the process of getting a surgery date.This
can take up to 6 months, but it's a step in the right direction.
Needless to say I'm very excited.
- November 7:
I saw my therapist at the gender clinic, Dr. Stevenson, to further
discuss my need for surgery. This time we ended up debating thereasons
why I'm "unconventional". Imagine yourself explaining to apsychiatrist
why you're a punky butchy girl with piercings, tattoos and a purple
mohawk, and get back to me, OK?
That's all folks! Take care...
Myriam
